Is That Normal?
by wsprsndadrk
Summary: Heero brings up a very unusual topic at lunch. Odd inspiration here - sort of a 'what the hell did I just write' (Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei)


The tray clanked loudly to his left, but Heero didn't bother to react to it, if he had noticed it all. The peculiar, distant look on his face that suggested deep introspection stayed firmly in place. He sat with his head softly tilted to the side as he chewed, his hand suspended in midair with half a French fry clutched in his fingers. Most out of place were his eyes – typically chilly and focused even when he was relaxed, seeing everything in that creepy way of his without seeming to – which were fixed on nothing as he stared blankly at a random spot in front of him.

Duo plunked himself in the seat across the table from his silent friend and made an effort to show his presence. Snapping his napkin loudly – Preventer HQ actually provided cloth napkins and real silverware in the cafeteria - he placed it in his lap with frivolous exaggeration and loudly unwrapped the plastic around his sandwich. Glancing back up to the silent pilot opposite him, Duo scowled at the lack of reaction. Usually Heero flicked his eyes briefly in his direction to acknowledge him – or more likely, to discourage antics designed to elicit a reaction simply by showing he was not only noticed, but being watched.

When clearing his throat did nothing, Duo grabbed his can of soda, shook it, and prepared to open it in Heero's general direction. From his periphery, he saw Wufei sitting at the adjacent table shake his head emphatically. Ignoring the clear warning from the Chinese pilot, he put his finger on the tab. Wufei grabbed his tray, prepared to save his meal just in case Heero decided to test whether or not Duo could fly. Duo pulled the tab –

But Heero, without looking up or blinking, picked up his empty cup and shoved it over the face of the can just as it exploded. Having nowhere else to go, the soda ricocheted against the cup's barrier and sprayed backwards. Duo squawked and flung himself out of the way and allowed a random Preventer behind him to take the brunt of the assault.

Picking himself up off the floor, Duo raised his head just high enough to see over the table to peer at Heero. Though Heero was no longer lost in space and was now looking directly at him, he didn't seem angry. In fact, Heero was gazing at him with a soft sort of curiosity. Duo's eyebrows lifted in surprise, but sputtering from behind him caught his attention. Everyone looked at the Preventer Agent as he attempted to wipe off the sticky reside from a soda shower.

"Uh…." Duo laughed sheepishly as he rose to his feet to help the agent and winced when he saw a soaking uniform covered in disgusting soda-flavored noodles. He sucked in air through his teeth in sympathy; apparently, the Agent had jerked in surprise when he had been hit with the spray and his tray had been crushed to his chest.

Duo, ever the gentleman, straightened the silverware on the tray and arranged the bowl so that it was centered once again, causing more noodles to plop out. The Agent scowled and wisely, Duo stepped away. "Sorry 'bout that. Er.. I'm sure the kitchen will - " but his words died in his throat as the Agent moved away. Feeling bad, Duo called after him. "Soak the uniform in dishwashing detergent before you wash it! Works like a charm…"

A beat later, Duo pivoted to his right and glared saucily at Heero.

Heero raised an eyebrow before his gaze wandered over to Wufei. The Chinese pilot stared back at him but didn't offer comment. When Wufei started eating again, Heero looked back at Duo, and the same odd, bemused look reasserted itself. Exasperated, Duo was about to shout something related to asking what the hell was up when he was interrupted.

"Relena took her tampon out in front of me this morning."

Wufei choked and a torrent of milk shot out of his nose.

Duo couldn't decide if he should laugh at Wufei or gawk at Heero. Instead, he became stuck halfway between the two, his eyes narrowed to slits and mouth gaping. Wufei recovered first. He said nothing as he wiped his uniform while blatantly refusing to look anywhere but at his plate with eyes opened slightly wider than usual. He had been able to cover his mouth at the last second, and most of the milk had been contained. Glancing down, he accepted his uniform was as clean as it was going to get. Sighing, he grabbed his fork and willfully stabbed at his potato in an attempt to focus on eating and not hearing.

Duo suddenly regained control of his movements. Plopping heavily in his seat once again, he grinned.

"Congratulations, pal! That's a big step in a relationship!" He stole more fries off Heero's plate and shoved them whole into his mouth. "Shows she trusts ya not to be grossed out," he mumbled through a full mouth. Heero didn't respond.

Chewing idly for a moment, suddenly Duo paled. "You, uh.. weren't grossed out, were ya?" He chewed his lip, his expression strangely flat. "You didn't, say… squeal like a little girl and scream at her to get that nasty thing away from you or anything like that? For example. Hypothetically."

Heero blinked slowly. "That was disturbingly specific." Duo shrugged unashamedly and stole another fry. Heero took a deep breath. "No, Duo. I wasn't grossed out. Nor did I… squeal like a little girl."

Quatre appeared and sat across from Wufei. He nodded hello and smiled before looking over Wufei's shoulder to see how far behind Trowa was.

"So!" Duo grinned lecherously. "What did you do, then? From the beginning!"

Wufei grabbed his tray and stood up abruptly just as Trowa came up from behind. They were face to face for a moment, both expressions completely impassive.

"Run away," Wufei said calmly and stepped around a suddenly confused Trowa. For his part, Trowa glanced suspiciously to Duo first and narrowed his eyes. The completely innocent look he received in return was no surprise, and therefore not an accurate gage. As expected, Heero's expression didn't provide any clues. Quatre looked just as baffled as he felt, with a bit of interest mixed in. Trowa sighed, knowing it was a risk – but at least he'd get a show out of it. Life was never boring around Duo.

To his utter shock, it was what came out of Heero's mouth that made him almost stand up and leave the precise second he sat down.

"I was brushing my teeth. She was on the toilet. I saw her take it out in the mirror. She asked if it bothered me. I said no and told her not to put another one in," Heero deadpanned. "Because I had something better she could use."

Trowa's eyes flew to Quatre's, who stared back at him equally shocked. It couldn't be…

Heero? Talking about…..?

Both pilots turned to Duo and Heero, for once eager for Duo to ask what they were all thinking but no one else had the balls to ask. They weren't disappointed.

"You boned her while she was on her period? Awwk, Heero! That's nasty!" A pause. "And? What was it like?"

The same introspective look clouded Heero's features. "Easy," he stated simply, almost in awe.

Duo's face crumpled in confusion. "Easy? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means it was easy for him to guide Relena to climax," Quatre cut in, nonchalantly. Three heads turned towards him. His fork paused halfway to his mouth. Looking up, his met three very interested pairs of eyes on him. He put his fork down and grinned at them sardonically. "Well, what do you expect? I have 29 sisters!"

"Quatre!" Duo practically whined.

Quatre laughed. He glanced at Trowa and Heero. Though they were contained, unlike the American pilot, he knew them well enough to understand they were riveted. If he got up and left now, he'd have three people following him around, preventing him from getting work done until they were satisfied he had no other information to provide.

"Well," he folded his hands in his lap and considered his words. There really wasn't any polite way of saying it, so he may as well just blurt it out. "I won't explain the biology of an orgasm. You all understand well enough what happens with your own anatomy. The concentration of blood in a woman does the same thing as it does to a man. When a woman is in the shedding stage of her um.. cycle, there's a lot of blood already present. Its sudden release.. um…it's. Well. You know…."

Quatre couldn't help it. He started giggling. The topic was embarrassing and his audience was completely enthralled. Duo's expression was a healthy cross between fascinated and horrified, Trowa's mouth was hanging open, and Heero – he saw the precise moment the epiphany clicked in Heero's brain, and the sudden smugness that erupted right before disappearing before anyone else could notice.

"So you're sayin' it's easy to get a girl off when she's –"

"Duo," Trowa interrupted.

Duo practically pouted as he squirmed, eager for information.

"What about when she's –"

"Duo!" Trowa glared.

"But-!"

Quatre knew it was devious, but he simply had to. "It's even easier when she's at the most fertile part of her cycle. The easiest, I'd say."

Trowa closed his eyes and shook his head and Heero raised his eyebrows. Duo didn't notice, he was too busy contemplating Quatre's words.

They'd all know in a month or so if he tried it.

Truly. He'd make a good father. It may even force him to grow up a bit.

OoOoO

As Heero walked away, Duo close on his heels, Trowa and Quatre heard Duo ask, "Why ya think Wufei ran off? He knows this stuff better than anyone. He was married!" Followed by, "You think he tries it on Sally?"

"Duo…" Came a terse reply.

"Well I think he does. Seems like a good idea to me…"

Trowa met Quatre's eyes and they both grinned. Oh yeah. Duo was definitely in for a shock.


End file.
